Sandals Grande Ocho Rios has eight restaurants including Bayside, Valentinos, Arizona, The Reef Terrace, Market Place, Orchids, Manor House, San Gennaros and three "bistros" named Manor House Bistro, Barefoot Bistro and the Sandtrap.

Prior to our vacation at Sandals, our only experience with an all-inclusive vacation occurred a few years earlier, at Club Med Sandpiper, just an hour from our home. Every meal was served buffet style, which we tired of after a few days, yet the food was consistently delicious, high quality and it was obvious that experienced chefs prepared it.

Since I enjoy cooking and my fiancée and I both enjoy dining at fine restaurants, one of the main reasons we chose Sandals as our first vacation destination in two years was because they promised the type of quality we experienced at Club Med, with the added bonus of being served at sit down restaurants.

Unfortunately, every night we were disappointed and frustrated by the small portions, poor quality of ingredients and complete lack of food preparation skills exhibited by Sandals food staff. One bad kitchen habit I observed on more than a few occasions was food sitting in pans, off the heat. It became obvious to me that the cooks  had poor training, no oversight and little cooking experience. As a result, they had no clue how to properly execute their dishes and get their entrees out in time and still warm.

There simply aren't enough curse words in the English language for Gordon Ramsey to hurl at Sandals food staff if he were to observe a typical service at any of the Grande's restaurants.

After a few days, Sandals did do something I never imagined possible; they made me long for the mass-produced mediocrity of American chain restaurants. After eating chicken parmesan at San Gennaros, I longed for Carraba's version. After eating a spring roll at Orchids, I craved one at P.F. Changs. After seeing the poor excuse for fajitas my fiancée was served at Arizona, I would have traded a body part for the same dish at Chili's. After eating a crunchy, desiccated burger at the Barefoot Bistro, I actually longed for a Big Mac, something I only eat once a year, as it takes me that long to digest it.

Frankly, if one single meal at Sandals was at least as mediocre as that served at your typical American chain restaurant, I wouldn't be making this web page.

If you're considering a vacation at Sandals Grande Ocho Rios and you enjoy fine dining, please ignore the reviews posted by mouth breathers who wouldn't know Bolognese sauce from sauce with bologna in it, yet proclaim that those of us who felt utterly deceived by Sandals false food claims are just "fussy eaters".

Evening One - Bayside

On our first evening, I really felt like surf and turf, as in a grilled filet with lobster tail. I called the concierge to inquire which restaurant would serve this dish, as Sandals was too cheap to provide menus in our room and I was met by silence. She never heard of surf and turf. Alrighty then.....

We went down to the Manor House, where the menus hung in Plexiglas display cases. We learned that only five out of eight restaurants were open for dinner. Huh? Closed restaurants during the busiest season? You have to realize at that point that I had no idea Sandals didn't give a crap about their food.

We settled on Bayside, which according to Sandals, "features gourmet international cuisine with impeccable service indoors or outdoors overlooking the Caribbean Sea".

At this point, I didn't begin keeping any detailed notes, as, based on Sandals' claims, I anticipated "restaurants that capture both the ambience and flavors of the world's great cultures. Internationally trained chefs have come to us from the finest restaurants around the globe, using their renowned talents and the freshest local ingredients to prepare dishes that delight the eye and satisfy your soul".

While my fiancée's entree was too forgettable to recall, I'll never forget my sirloin steak with "gargantuan onion rings" (yes, it actually said that). When the chewy mass of gristle arrived, it was adorned with ONE, not several as the plural "s" at the end of rings would denote, tiny, Burger King-sized onion ring. Oh boy... here we go.

I'll also never forget my first look at Sandals' concept of an appetizer, the lemongrass and curry mussels:

Actually, this picture was taken a few nights later at Market Place Restaurant, but as I mentioned earlier, in an example of culinary laziness that permeated the entire resort, many of the restaurants further degrade your choice of food selections by duplicating dishes.

I have to admit that the mussels didn't taste terrible. However, considering it was a lemongrass and curry sauce, I was surprised how "safe" the flavor was. My fiancée remarked that it, as well as the crab bisque, were flavorless and tasted like "retirement home food".

The thing that did shock me and served as culinary foreshadowing of the portion sizes I would be served throughout my vacation, was the fact that there were only four mussels.

If you're thinking "what's the big deal that there's only four mussels, it's supposed to be an appetizer?", then consider this: mussels are one of the cheapest forms of seafood, averaging between $2 and $4 per pound. Of course, Sandals pays a lot less, as they buy in quantity and they buy frozen rather than fresh. I absolutely love mussels, but they barely put a dent in your appetite. When I prepare them as a main course for two people, to be served with salad and crusty bread, I buy two to three pounds from my local fishmonger and we never have leftovers. Typical restaurant appetizer size comes in a bowl and averages at least a half pound, as served at one of the few American chain restaurants that is consistently good, Carrabas.

Trust me, even if you're a small eater, eating 10-15 mussels as an appetizer will not fill you up and ruin your appetite. Four mussels is simply being cheap. And so were the cold, rubbery rolls we were served.

So much for luxury included!

Evening Two- San Gennaro's

On our second evening, I was craving my favorite; Italian food. Six of the eight restaurants were open for dinner. We decided to try Valentinos, which Sandals describes as "Experience the best of Northern Italian dishes and wines served by white-gloved waiters at Valentino's".

We arrived at Valentinos at 8:20 and were greeted tersely by the woman guarding the entrance "do you have a reservation?".

"Um, no, I didn't think any reservations were required as, well, your catalog says no reservations are required at any of the restaurants", I replied.

"Well, we close at 9:00 and unless you have reservations, we can't seat you!"

I was shocked that they closed so early, as Sandals, on page 41 of their catalog, promises "At Sandals, you dine according to your own tastes and preferences - not some pre-set agenda, because after all, you're on vacation".

I agree. I only wish someone in Sandals management would explain this to the staff at Valentinos. I don't expect them to stay open until 2:00 a.m., but 9:00? Is this a Luxury Included vacation or the cafeteria at the Golden Isles Retirement Home?

In utter frustration, we left feeling very upset and wandered over to San Gennaros, a very picturesque open-aired restaurant overlooking the ocean. Sandals describes it as a "Caribbean Italian seaside restaurant". Yes, it is seaside, however, I didn't see any Caribbean influence on the menu, which was just fine with me, as I like my Italian food, well, Italian style.  And better yet, there were only 4 or 5 other couples dining, so surely we wouldn't wait long.

Sure enough, we were seated quickly and our appetizers arrived within a few minutes.

The calamari was cold, flavorless and over-breaded. The mozzarella part of the mozzarella in tomato sauce was good, but the sauce wasn't even as good as jarred supermarket sauces. And of course, it was one piece of mozzarella, the typical Sandals' Lilliputian portion.

The rolls were the same cold, rubbery ones we had at Bayside the previous evening. I would have sold my soul for some nice, crusty Tuscan-style Italian bread, but that would require a commitment to food quality rather than the convenience of opening a giant bag of commercially processed dinner rolls, served at literally each and every restaurant in the resort.

45 minutes later, in an almost-empty restaurant, we finally received our entrees.

My chicken parmesan was truly horrendous. If you had blindfolded me and placed it next to a Lean Cuisine Chicken Parmesan entree, I could not have distinguished one from the other. San Gennaro's was just as small, bland and tasted like it was microwaved a few too many minutes. My side of pasta was dry and barely coated with sauce. And I'm not saying this as your typical American who thinks pasta needs to be swimming in sauce. I'm saying it as a Mario Batali groupie who understands that the pasta is supposed to be the star, with the sauce serving as a condiment.

My fiancée's Pasta Bolognese actually offended me, as I love cooking Italian food and this lush, long-cooked Italian dish composed of onions, celery, carrots, garlic, tomato paste, fresh thyme, ground beef, veal and pork, white wine and milk. It is NOT a tomato sauce or a southern Italian meat sauce. I suppose the fact that they actually served a meatball with it should have tipped me off. If a vacationer from Bologna, Italy tasted this dish, he would have surely jumped into the ocean, after much hand gesticulation and hurling of expletives at the waiter.

Just another example of Sandals' culinary laziness and lack of attention to detail. I can picture the restaurant manager, when designing the menu, saying "what should we call this spaghetti and meatball dish? Hey, I know, let's call it pasta Bolognese because it sounds better and nobody will realize that our dish has nothing in common with Bolognese sauce."

I think we had the chocolate cake and tiramisu for desert. They tasted like they straight out of the freezer aisle, but they weren't terrible.

Evening Three - Manor Restaurant

On our third evening, we were already worn down and prepared to be disappointed.

Sandals describes the Manor Restaurant as "This non air-conditioned restaurant, features a la carte Caribbean cuisine. It is located on the lower lobby level of the Great House"

We ate outside, overlooking the pool and enjoyed the beautiful Caribbean breeze. The same mass-produced, rubbery rolls were served, yet someone had the good sense to warm them up for a change. Unfortunately, the butter was freezer burned.

By the way, notice how every menu urges you to "ask about today's chef special". Of course you have to ask as not one single waiter volunteered that information. If you do ask, the response will be "we don't have one tonight". Huh? Another first for me; a restaurant with no specials. Ever.

By this time, we were tired of returning to our room hungry only to fill up on chips purchased from the gift shop, so we caught on and began ordering multiple appetizers and entrees.

We didn't order everything that evening, but we started out with the Tranquility, a papaya, shrimp and cucumber timbale, which means it's stacked in a little cylinder and then removed to leave a little tower of food. Small as usual, but refreshing flavors, nice presentation and it tasted good.

The Rocky Point, a smoked marlin and hearts of palm salad, didn't fit the description but once again, was decent. Ditto for the soup of the day, vegetarian minestrone.

Wow... an appetizer trifecta! Three dishes, none were terrible!

We also ordered three entrees, which, unfortunately brought us quickly down to earth and the bad quality we had come to expect.

The Jamaican Pepper Steak was literally inedible. The cheap cut of beef and bad preparation rendered it so tough and chewy, I literally could not eat it. Too bad, because it was spiced nicely.

The Two Paths, which included Cuban Chicken and Shrimp was decent, but lacked any trace of Cuban flavor (trust me, I live in South Florida).

The Lime Cay, Sandals' version of a traditional Jamaican "Rundown" of fresh seafood bordered on the criminal (I know, a little dramatic) and made me realize just how dishonest Sandals' claims of luxury and quality food really were:

The portion size was better than usual but notice anything unusual? How about salad shrimp (those cheap, puny, tasteless shrimps), calico scallops (those cheap, puny, tasteless, pencil eraser-like scallops) and fake crab meat (cheap Pollock fish pressure molded and food coloring-infused to resemble crab meat) and TWO WHOLE MUSSELS! Woo hoo!

And in a rare deviation from the general blandness of all the food at Sandals, the dish was so overly-spiced, as in way too hot (and I like spicy food), that it was inedible.

Now compare the picture above with the image Sandals lures you with:

Ironic, isn't it? In Jamaica, an island surrounded by crystal clear ocean teeming with fresh seafood, Sandals cuts corners and costs by using cheap, frozen ingredients while claiming that their restaurants use "the freshest local ingredients to prepare dishes that delight the eye and satisfy your soul".

The only conclusion that I can come to is that Sandals is willfully misleading the public in order to get business.  

Click to read on about the next three nights of our luxury included vacation.....